A relationship should serve the growth of each party toward becoming more nearly who he or she is capable of becoming. I do not see that relationship in which people “take care of each other” as worthy of the name of relationship, at least not a loving, mature relationship. Love is supportive and caring, and therefore we freely offer gifts to each other … gifts that sometimes ask considerable sacrifice of ourselves. Kindness, affection, and empathy are part of any healthy relationship, and doing it for the other is a gift to both of us, as long as it is not in service to an old codependency, or a sullen compliance.
Love asks independence of both parties, freedom, not control, not guilt, not coercion, not manipulation. Dependency is not love; it is dependency – it is an abrogation of the essential responsibility of each of us to grow up, to assume full responsibility for our lives. Not to take on this challenge is a flight from adulthood, no matter how mature a person may be in other areas of endeavor. This Shadow issue haunts most relationships and constitutes the chief source of unhappiness, blaming, and stuckness. We all find it easier to blame our partners than to grow up, to recognize that we are the only ones present in each scene in that long-running drama we call our life.
So it stands to reason that we are the ones charged with its outcomes and consequences, not our partners. Acknowledging this responsibility is easy enough in the abstract, but it is fearfully challenging in the context of daily life when our will is fragmented, when we are vulnerable, and when we fall back into our archaic complexes.
-James Hollis, “Why Good People Do Bad Things”
More text
I coach people to identify and develop their natural personality strengths in order to maximize their potential.